A Climbing Adventure: "Taipan Chris and the Moocho Amigo’s"

On the 23rd of April 2005 a not unusual event occurred. Belley and I went on our annual pilgrimage to the climbing areas of Mt. Arapiles and the Grampain Mountains in Australia. But what was unusual about this particular trip was the company we chose to keep. Our companions on this journey of discovery were Moocho, now to be called ‘Taipan Chris’ and ‘Petr the Fearless Czech’. These two characters made our trip the most eventful; no in fact they made this the best Australian climbing trip we had ever had.Moocho turned up to the airport in very Hunter S. Thompson style after attending an all night dance party and proceeded to collect his emotions together from various parts of his mind and body for the first two days of our trip.

Petr with his efficient and straightforward approach to everything led me up all the climbs I had ever wanted to do but had been too afraid to attempt. I simply pulled out my worn copy of the Arapiles guide and flicked to the worn and earmarked pages to exclaim;

"how about Skink today, let’s do Tanin, Missing Link would be nice, or aahh now Auto Da Fe would be a bewitching climb".

Without a moments hesitation the Czech machine would be dragging me up these climbs and only casually placing gear when he heard me whimpering below him.

Petr did not seem satisfied despite climbing many a three star climb of varying difficulty. It was only when I probed a little deeper into his tough exterior that I perceived a truly sensitive climber and finally he confessed his dark secret to me. He found it hard to get true satisfaction from a climb without complete exposure! None of the climbs had been exposed enough for him and so he was bound to wander this earth until he found satisfaction.

In the first few days of our trip Belley took Moocho climbing and quickly convinced him that he too could lead on Natural Protection. Now Moocho is an excellent sport climber and an even better boulderer but exposed multi pitch natural pro routes he had never experienced.

But before long he and Shell were gossiping their way happily up classic routes such as ‘The Bard’ and ‘Minerva’ and thus the crag continually echoed with their bubbling laughter and joyful meanderings. I vividly remember cursing them as I attempted to extract protection placed high in the midst of an exposed crux move as only a Czech climber could place it.

One night I persuaded our little group to travel to new ground in the Grampians. In particular I emphasized the two words TAIPAN WALL with much gusto. Belley knew what I was excited about but Moocho simply muttered something about snakes and Petr started Chanting his Mantra "Exposure, I must have Exposure".

Before long our intrepid heroes’ found themselves relaxing and showering at Carey Park in the Grampians. Peter and June, ex-pat Kiwi’s own Carey Park and often put up visiting climbers in a purpose built cabin. It’s very affordable and they are most gracious hosts so look them up if you get the chance. Besides you can tease them and bring them to tears by telling them how much rain Auckland gets. (There has been a drought out that way for 8 years).

The following morning we got up before dawn and after a few logistical chores we headed off to the TAIPAN WALL. This crag is amazing you can see the wall itself from Arapiles over an hour away. It is golden ochre in color, huge in size and quite bare of distinguishable features. To top it off it has some of the most formidably beautiful routes on the planet.

Peter was in heaven he paced back and forth along the length and breadth of the wall tossing aside car-sized boulders as they got in his way. He noted with relish the huge and well-overhung multi-pitch routes. He leapt from foot to foot like a child about to be given a new toy and I must say it was the most animated I had ever seen him.

Moocho on the other hand was talking about the lighting and exclaiming how it would be a great venue for a dance party whilst mentioning how Simone would just love the flowers we had seen earlier. Belley simply looked sideways at me and wondered what was next on the hidden agenda.

Much to Petr’s dismay I took them to the very edge of the Taipan wall, so much so that it changes color to a more accountant’s gray. The two climbs there are Tokyo Connection (2 pitch grade 18) and Atomic Tadpole (2 pitch grade 20). Atomic Tadpole took a clean line immediately up a vertical crack, up over an overhang onto a slab followed by a short but pumpy overhang. The crux moves were at the beginning and the end of the climb. Tokyo Connection started more to the right in a left facing corner. The finger crack curved left over a wickedly smooth slab with little if anything to place your feet on. It traversed under an overhang with the finger crack becoming quite faint until it crossed Atomic tadpole and the going became easier. The second pitch leads over a strenuous pullover onto a slab and the climb finishes more dramatically up an arête.

Moocho and Belley started climbing Tokyo connection giving us time to relax and take photographs. Moocho made good of the start and placed nice gear whilst adamantly declaring ‘there’s nowhere to place gear’. He got to the traverse under the roof after about 15 meters of climbing and began to have a modicum of difficulty with the small finger crack and lack of footholds on the slab. He was helpfully prompted on by me and Petr demanding he turn his head this way and that in order to better catch the light as it reflected off his helmet and glanced off the runnels of sweat trickling down the slab to gather in pools at the base of the climb.

He approached the exposed crux move and looked vainly for gear placement. Finally he spotted a large flake on the roof above him into which he placed a micro cam. His breathing became labored and his movements less fluid, in fact a slight tremor could be perceived in those delicate calves of his.

We were becoming tense, as we perceived the increasing loss of his normally nonchalant self-control. He was hesitating... finally he reached over with his left hand he gastoned a side-pull. He shifted his bodyweight over and brought his right hand over to match on correctly on the side-pull.

He started to move his feet but something was wrong! One smearing foot gave a little and with it so went Moocho’s once calculated movements. He rushed the next moves and desperately attempted a heel hook on a distant break in the slab. But by doing so he lost the benefit of the side-pull. Swearing profusely he slapped at the face with grim determination but to no avail for his world was about to rise up beneath him as he started to fall toward it. He fell or slid, as I have never seen anyone fall. I risk plagiarism when I say it resembled a panicking cat sliding off the side of a very red, very hot tin roof!

But this was only the beginning of many years of mirth, for as he fell a sickening ‘CRACK’ was heard and the harsh yet distinctive sound of rock scraping on rock. Moocho’s last micro-cam had ripped out taking with it most of the roof flake it had been placed in. Moocho was suddenly flying down the face with half his bodyweight in rock whistling close behind him.

We watched horrified, although I note Petr managed to get one or two stunning photographs of the event. Suddenly our horror was magnified as another piece of his gear ripped out from the roof. But it was at this moment that Moocho’s trajectory started a dramatic and lifesaving change of direction. He was swung right across the face and back toward the wall. The gear he had placed in the vertical crack had held and thus pulled him away from danger.

The descending flake of rock continued down until shattering on impact with the ground scattering debris and dust over our gear. Moocho had fallen a total of six meters with little more than a scratch to show for it. Finding himself dangling in mid air from the end of the rope he exclaimed: "Fuk I’m at the beginning again".. thus letting us know that he had missed his own near death experience and had not seen his life flash before his eyes (If you could sell flashbacks in a pill you would make a killing from Moocho).

To his credit he set off again and completed the climb without fuss and once again the crag was blessed with laughter and mirth from our intrepid adventurers. So began the legend of "Taipan Chris and the Moocho Amigo’s".

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Many thanks to Peter & June (Carey Park phone number can be found at Natimuk climbing shop or wrestled from Jamie Foxley if he is ever found again), thanks also to Nathan & Paul the Australian/American Mountain Rescue Team.

Thanks to our sponsors Tuborg and the Gin and Tequila distilleries of the world.

Big up’s to Petr’s uncle who works in the Carlsberg brewery, Tim Robertson of Adventure consultants and Hamish the itinerant.

Thanks to the baked Alaskan and Craggey the camp guard dogs for raining praise on our fire lighting ability and reminding us that trees are there to be hugged.

Thanks also to absent friends for continued inspiration on the journey that is life.


- Written by Little Chilli.